today (Sunday, August 01, 2004) is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
almost every song reminds me of him. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
i've been thinking, but lately i don't know what it's been about.
i let it go. i lost my hope but it's still a dream, a distant kind of future thing. i'm not waiting around, but i think i'll end up waiting it out. i was always just waiting for someone perfect to just come about. just as soon as you were clear in sight, there you go, you're out of view. not out of my head, but-- oh how i miss you.
so it's august 1st, 1:41 AM. and by the time it's this time tomorrow, i may be trying to sleep in my new room... or maybe i'm wrong.
christina is in reno tonight. i have no one to stay up talking to until morning.
i have to get up for church at 6:30. i have to go clean the new house and move boxes and maybe unpack my room.
i'd like to meet the neighbor boys. the 15 and 16 year olds. i hope they're very good looking and just my type. at least one of them. he could be my PERFECT guy, and then we'd ride the bus together (or hey, 16, he could drive me) and then i'd have a friend at school. and things could be okay. things could be more than okay.
however, knowing my luck, they'll be ugly. or they'll be wiggers, or weirdos. and i'll be shallow. or they'll be perfect, but they'll hate me. and maybe this is what it takes for me to break completely. i haven't even cried in over a month. i've just been hurting and hurting and not being able to let any of it out. maybe my new school will hit me in the face and i'll fucking be forced to cry, because i'll be bleeding out of my eyes.
maybe i need that more than some perfect guy. maybe i need that more than i need a single friend to make school easier. maybe it's exactly what i'll get.
maybe it's what i secretly want. so deep in my heart and my head that i didn't even realize it. i just want to hurt to some kind of full extent. i haven't cried because i've been unable to fully care. and i know that i talk about sam all the time, and believe me, i've tried crying about it, but i can't.
so here i go, plunging into a new life at a new school. letting time push me onto the train tracks while a train is clearly approaching. it's just a game.
hopefully i get something painfully real, i don't care if i die, just as long as i feel.
i clicked "publish" at 01:54 am.
your mother thinks you should
